Original Date: December 11, 2010
I live my life trapped within the walls of the unknown. I never know what I will be feeling from one moment to the next. When I’m happy, I have to grab that happiness with both hands because it can be a fleeting emotion. Now, there are times where my happiness lasts for a span of days or weeks. During those periods, I am on top of the world. I am at the highest peak of the highest mountain, and no one can touch me!! But the descent from that elevated emotion is especially more difficult than the climb up. Well, it’s more like something is tugging at every corner of my emotions so my descent is not done willingly. I am being dragged down, kicking and screaming, by something beyond my control.
I know that everyone goes through the highs and lows of life. I know that everyone gets sad or “down in the dumps”, at times. But when your heartache, sadness, confusion or pain is over, mine is ever-present. An event or happenstance that may only affect you slightly can be devastating to me, to my mind and emotions.
So often, I’ve heard people voice their opinion saying that I, or others like me, have control over my thoughts and emotions. But if it were that simple, then it wouldn’t be called a MENTAL ILLNESS. Think about this: How often do you blame others who are inflicted with some type of illness for being sick , and do you tell them that they have the power to make themselves feel better? What? Would it be better if my illness was cancer or leukemia? Or would you still tell me to suck it up and just “roll with the punches”?
Yes, I know I must have the willpower to fight, but how can you fight something when you don’t know what you’re fighting against? How do I fight the anger, the sadness, the confusion and the anxiety when I haven’t the slightest inclination as to why I have these feelings? And there really is no easy way for me to escape because I also have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This disorder causes me to be anxious and have horrible nightmares in which I relive certain tragic events that have occurred in my life. So see, sleeping is not a safe escape for me either.
The saddest, and sometimes disheartening, thing is even if I’m on the correct medications at the right dosages to help me maintain some form of normalcy in my life and I stay in therapy, the symptoms still come back. That makes me recollect when I was first diagnosed about three years ago, and the doctor told me that maintaining a healthy life with Bipolar Disorder was a lifetime battle. These days… I’m beginning to believe that is true. #bipolardiary
"I am a LIFE REPORTER, but for short, you can simply call me a poet."